After the rush that was last week, this week is off to a bit of a slower start. Maybe it's because I work on my architecture projects relatively quickly, but for some reason I'm enjoying the slowed pace of projects/readings/projects/portfolios much more so than last semester when I basically died.
I have a love/hate relationship with this slower pace of things. The slower pace actually lets me THINK about what I'm doing instead of "just getting it done." But when I start thinking, I start worrying. Having committed my life to following Christ, where is he taking me? Should I be doing X and Y at this point? Am I not doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Have I lost all sense of ambition because I submitted my life to Christ? Do I dislike myself and the endless list of things I fall short on?
Am I who I am because I am Christian?
When things go wrong, I often blame myself, but never take responsibility for my shortcomings. Instead, I see my incompetence and wallow in self-pity.
Even though there aren't as many things going on in my life right now, the last couple of weeks have been a month of being extremely challenged in my faith. The cost of following Christ has never felt so.. weighty before, and I'm shaken because I don't know whether it really is worth it all anymore.
Am I falling away? Maybe. Have I already fallen away in the depths of my "self"?
Out of the ashes I will rise, once again to take flight into the skies.
Beauty for Ashes
Garment of praise, for my heaviness.
Beauty for Ashes
Take this heart of stone, and make it yours - yours.
Monday, November 1, 2010
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