Overwhelmed?

Being a pre-architecture student doesn't exactly let you go for more than one day of being unproductive - the fast pace of the studio classes makes sure that any slacking results in the project being less developed and well, not as good as others.

This week has been a particularly tough week for me.. I thought I had finished my portfolio over the weekend, but I ended up staying up till 6am on monday night to finish it all up, and I was basically out of commission until this morning when I caught up in my sleep. What disturbs me is how I feel like I'm getting punished for taking even the slightest bit of a break, whether with a less complete work or less developed work. But I'm just complaining now. Just gotta suck it up and keep going...

The last couple of weeks of school have been, well, pretty darn rough. Call it sophomore year, the S-word, whatever. But how long must I wrestle within me, waging war against the areas of sin that God is revealing to me at a rate and intensity that he's never done before? I feel like I'm getting punished and disciplined for anything and everything.. And I'm realizing that I'm not as strong in my spiritual life as I thought. I sin, and I sin a lot. I really suck at this relationship thing with God. I feel like Hosea's wife who keeps on going out into the streets and sleep around with others and comes back pregnant, or that dog who comes back to his vomit.

I understand that God is trying to build in me a new perspective, and slowly answering my prayer to see the world through his eyes, but.. I didn't think it'd be so.. stressful, straining, and painful to be going through this time period. After speaking to people about my current situation, I'm realizing.. that there really isn't much that I can do at this point, but let Him work in me as He pleases... Which is pretty darn difficult because I hate the insecurity of not being in control of my situation, and I'm often too prideful to give up or let go of a losing situation..

I think I'm getting just a taste of what human depravity is supposed to feel like - I realizing that I'm just a worthless human being who sins all the time. But God sees me differently. Yes, I'm messed up enough to be eternally condemned to hell, but I am also loved enough to have the son of God abandon the comfort of heaven and die for me. What a God we have!

I'm blogging quite often lately..

It's weird, I don't really have that many thoughts going through my mind right now, as I usually do. So I guess I'll just talk about what's happening in my life, heh.

Some of the major things:
1) I'm thinking about doing architecture, going to tackle pre-arch classes next semester.
2) I'm looking for a vision statement, or a guiding principle that will capture my attention for my entire life. I really want to take like a week and pray and fast about it, but I'm not sure where that's going to lead me... esp. with my weak body.. sigh

Some of the less important things:
1) I wanna be more fit than I am. I'm SO lazy, physically, mentally, spiritually. I'm gonna try being more physically active, even if my atheticism isn't exactly the best... Hopefully that'll get my guyness going and get me somewhere more healthy in all three aspects.

2) I'm feeling kinda lonely lately. Like I don't have any friends lonely. Usually I don't mind being by myself, but I have these moments where I hate not having anybody around, and just.. not being a friendly person in general. Then again, I'm just an inconfident, socially awkward/inept, little introvert that really doesn't have much to give aside from being genuine and easy to read and manipulate. My self-image is so weak, it pains me to admit to all those things. I really.. need to move on from there.

We'll see where the lovely 20's lead me.

More sleepless nights

Lately I've been having the weirdest sleeping pattern.

I blame finals. I blame the extreme amount of stress that was handed to me as I was going through the last two weeks of my life. I want to venture to say that no introvert would ever be able to break down the amount of stress I experienced in the last couple of days.

So I sit here, my eyes red form a whole night of not sleeping. It's 9am, and I'm still not sleepy. It's not that I'm not tired, it's not that I don't want to sleep, it's the intensity that I experienced in the last 2-3 weeks of my life. I feel like I've been dragged around, pushed and pulled in every direction until it finally ended at 6pm last night, with the conclusion of my Stats exam.

But there's a deeper issue here, one that I want to say that I've been praying for (though it's hard to say, I don't have the gift of interpreting tongues even when I pray in tongue...). I don't know what it is, but I'll be searching for an answer to a question that I don't know, hopefully in the near future - without being too lazy about it.

But for now, I just want to take a break. I just want to be relieved of this place. I want to go home, even though I don't really feel like I have one. But I'll seek refuge in the small little tee-pee of a house that I've built in a place called New Jersey, perhaps to take a little break for a little while. We'll see where things go from there...

Can't sleep.

Even though I was sick about 8 hours ago, I'm quite awake now. A monster + a michigan mocha is doing wonders... OH wait, I have an exam in like 6 hours, I should be sleeping... Alas, I can't, because the caffeine is completely blocking my sleepy receptors, making me unable to fall asleep right now... So here I am, picking up where I left off in terms of blogging.

It's been a long time since I last blogged.

Much has changed since then. I actually don't even remember the last time I blogged.

Right now, I'm feeling a little bit further away from where I started this semester. Am I feeling this way because I haven't been doing my QTs lately? Probably. Have I not really been praying lately? Yes. But I'm more inclined to feel that I.. just don't care right now. Dry period? Maybe. I think... it may be that I'm just too tired of caring. If I start caring for one thing, I have to care for everything else too, and then I'll be hassled with too many things to care about, and I won't be able to have my life my way.. which kinda sucks because I am such a self-absorbed person.

But it's not that I don't wanna care, not that I don't want to change. It's just.. I want it my way, not God's way. Yeah, I KNOW he's got the right way in mind, and he knows what he's doing but... I just.. don't wanna let go, you know? I'm being stupid. yeah. I know, I'm being stupid and stubborn with my stupidity. I go back for the vomit like that dog in James. But it's... too hard to care about anything and everything! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IF I CAN'T HANDLE IT ALL?

It's weird, I just don't have any direction or purpose in anything that I am doing lately. When I prayed a little bit during access last weekend, God told me to pray for a future vision. But... I don't really wanna grow up yet... I don't care if I'm 20 now. I just don't... wanna be an adult... I'm scared that it'll always be work work work, like I've seen my parents live their lives. And if my life is one that's just going to be defined by "work", then.. I don't wanna grow up..

Where am I going to go from here? I don't know.. I'm just.. not ready for this.. I want to stay young without any worries for the future! I'm really just a shell of a being. I have no substance; i just live life, and let it go where it wants me to, and I just let it do what it does until I can't stand it anymore and I need to do something about it. But that's it. I won't do more than what I NEED to do, because.. I'm too lazy to work towards anything right now... I don't feel like I need to get anywhere. For what? WHat's the point? Why toil hard under the sun without any fruit to yield at the end of it?

I hate working. I hate working hard. I get sick when I get serious about life. I get tired of failing again and again despite my best efforts when I need to be doing stuff.

Geez, I'm complaining. I hate myself right now, because I hate people that complain. I thought I grew up from that high school mentality. I thought I changed, at least a little bit. I guess not... SIgh.. 6 hours left until the musicology exam, and I'm still not sleepy. Sigh.

First Day of Tutoring, Teacher Appreciation Dinner

I met with 전건 and 전유미 today - they will be my tutees for the summer, heh.

They seem to be really nice kids, just a little on the quiet side. But hopefully it's just because they're trying to adjust to being in America instead of being in Korea. I want to help them fall in love with America - show them around, etc. I'll be teaching them for 6 hours a week.. It's going to be a pretty big commitment - hopefully we'll have some good times together!

I need to come up with some kind of material for teaching them English, though.

Interesting... I get to eat together with a lot of the other teachers who taught for the year, even though I'm starting tomorrow, haha. Unintentionally signed up to be a teacher, too. hahaha

testing to see if korean works

테스트 약자 입니다.

Grrr...

I woke up at like 4am this morning to my brother who wanted to go play starcraft at a pc-bang. I groggily woke up and just went to go play until like 6 am... sigh...

Dad's last sunday before he leaves for Brazil on Thursday. I don't know why, but seeing him break a tear as he delivered his speech made me crack a tear too... I guess I'm more sentimental than I originally supposed... Or maybe it was just hard to see my dad break down like that, especially because he almost never cries...

I came back around 5ish, completely set up my little fort that I'm sitting in right now. It's a nice little cozy corner with a tiny bed and my clothes next to me on a hanger. I also have a TV with a table if I need it for studying or something (HAHAHA STUDYING AHAHA)... hehe

Hmm.. it seems I unwittingly signed up to become a bible study teacher at Hope for the summer. HAHAHA how annoying...