One thing that I struggle with the most is pride. I straight up hate looking weak in front of people. I like to be the level-headed guy who stays cool under pressure and doesn't let things get to him. Time and time again, God tests me to see if my heart is right with him. He brings way more things my way than what I could bite, and even with my best effort at managing my time and pushing through the difficulties, I end up crashing and burning everywhere.
God's making clear to me that this year's gonna be heck of a difficult year for me. But he's gonna prove to me once and for all that I can't do anything without him. It's just gonna take me some time to learn that. Hopefully it won't be too long before I am ready to humble myself before God each and every day.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
It's been a weird week.
Things have been okay for the most part, I'm sleeping quite a bit (though I do have to pull 4-5 hour nights here and there but still... much better than I expected) and doing okay. Architecture studio and other things are going okay for the most part, I'm still on top of it... So basically, life is pretty darn good and things are going well.
But I'm not feeling that much joy in my life.
I don't think I've felt joy, or happiness, or much positive emotion in my life in general.. I've always acknowledged my tiredness, weariness, and weakness but seldom do I really "experience" happiness. As a Christian, we are taught to be joyful and rejoice always. Paul is in prison as he writes the letter to the Philippians but he's so "REJOICE, REJOICE, ALWAYS REJOICE" like he's experiencing some kind of euphoria in prison.
I'm guessing that prison is much worse off than sitting in architecture studio all day (studio does, indeed, suck, from time to time) - then how is he able to be joyful in his circumstances? How is he able to declare "for me to live is Christ, and to die is gain"?
I think Paul knew what it meant to truly live in grace. He says "Christ died for our sins, amongst whom I am the worst" - from the vantage point of God, our sins are sins - I don't think there's a real way to measure how "bad" a sin is, regardless of how society views certain violations of ethics. Then how is he able to call himself "the worst sinner ever"?
I think it serves as a reminder for himself - that he was saved by grace alone. Because he knew how sinful he was, he was able to rejoice in the grace he received in God all the more. Imagine yourself having a craving for No Thai or for ice cream. The gratification you feel when you actually fulfill that need is euphoric. In the same way, Paul really realizes his need for a savior from his sins. At the same time, he knows how fortunate he is to have that which was most craved. Therefore, he no longer needs his life to be perfect; it already is! His deepest, innermost, profound need for a savior was fulfilled by God himself! If that's not a reason for celebrating and rejoicing, what is?
Unfortunately, many Christians often cringe at the moment life gets tough. We whine and complain that "if God is so good, why is __________ happening to me?" "Why can't God let me have an easy life?" It's almost as if we forget what we should be thankful for the moment we take our eyes off Jesus and put it on the issues of our lives. The more we focus on the troubles of this life, the more we say to ourselves "omg I still have to deal with this, that... gosh" We've taken our eyes off Jesus and made that thing more important than Jesus, because it's occupying our minds right now, isn't it?
I think that's why I have such a hard time being joyful and rejoicing in Christ's salvation. I don't look to Jesus enough in my life. I see the multitude of things that I have to take care of before I can be "at peace" with the world, and completely forget about the man who overcame the world, my Lord and Savior Jesus! What a sinful way of living. It's like a significant other expressed her love for me and I immediately look at another woman!
What can I do about my life being the way it is? What is my response? I for sure don't want to be gloomy, depressed, and weary all the time. I need to take my eyes off of the things I have to deal with, and fix my eyes on Jesus, and Jesus alone, through prayer, through reading of the word, and through the community around me. Please remind me that I've taken my eyes off Jesus if I seem depressed/sad, and I'll do the same for you.
But I'm not feeling that much joy in my life.
I don't think I've felt joy, or happiness, or much positive emotion in my life in general.. I've always acknowledged my tiredness, weariness, and weakness but seldom do I really "experience" happiness. As a Christian, we are taught to be joyful and rejoice always. Paul is in prison as he writes the letter to the Philippians but he's so "REJOICE, REJOICE, ALWAYS REJOICE" like he's experiencing some kind of euphoria in prison.
I'm guessing that prison is much worse off than sitting in architecture studio all day (studio does, indeed, suck, from time to time) - then how is he able to be joyful in his circumstances? How is he able to declare "for me to live is Christ, and to die is gain"?
I think Paul knew what it meant to truly live in grace. He says "Christ died for our sins, amongst whom I am the worst" - from the vantage point of God, our sins are sins - I don't think there's a real way to measure how "bad" a sin is, regardless of how society views certain violations of ethics. Then how is he able to call himself "the worst sinner ever"?
I think it serves as a reminder for himself - that he was saved by grace alone. Because he knew how sinful he was, he was able to rejoice in the grace he received in God all the more. Imagine yourself having a craving for No Thai or for ice cream. The gratification you feel when you actually fulfill that need is euphoric. In the same way, Paul really realizes his need for a savior from his sins. At the same time, he knows how fortunate he is to have that which was most craved. Therefore, he no longer needs his life to be perfect; it already is! His deepest, innermost, profound need for a savior was fulfilled by God himself! If that's not a reason for celebrating and rejoicing, what is?
Unfortunately, many Christians often cringe at the moment life gets tough. We whine and complain that "if God is so good, why is __________ happening to me?" "Why can't God let me have an easy life?" It's almost as if we forget what we should be thankful for the moment we take our eyes off Jesus and put it on the issues of our lives. The more we focus on the troubles of this life, the more we say to ourselves "omg I still have to deal with this, that... gosh" We've taken our eyes off Jesus and made that thing more important than Jesus, because it's occupying our minds right now, isn't it?
I think that's why I have such a hard time being joyful and rejoicing in Christ's salvation. I don't look to Jesus enough in my life. I see the multitude of things that I have to take care of before I can be "at peace" with the world, and completely forget about the man who overcame the world, my Lord and Savior Jesus! What a sinful way of living. It's like a significant other expressed her love for me and I immediately look at another woman!
What can I do about my life being the way it is? What is my response? I for sure don't want to be gloomy, depressed, and weary all the time. I need to take my eyes off of the things I have to deal with, and fix my eyes on Jesus, and Jesus alone, through prayer, through reading of the word, and through the community around me. Please remind me that I've taken my eyes off Jesus if I seem depressed/sad, and I'll do the same for you.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Woes of Junior Year
It's that time of the year again.
The time that I barely get to sleep and eat even poorly than I usually do.
Architecture school has begun. Studio projects are really picking up, and I'm getting tons of homework. So why is it that my first response to a packed weekend is worry and fear for what I can't be doing (homework) because I have 90 other things I have to take care of before I can begin cracking at the work ahead of me? (6 hour studio on friday, access, class night, michigan vs umass, meeting up with someone before the game, going shopping after the game, and trying to get some work done (but failing for the most part), spending something like 10 hours at church on sunday and passing out for an hour afterward...) I am finally scrambling to get to work on 3 projects that are due this week tonight. I probably won't sleep for the next 2 days, not much more than 3-4 hours a night, anyway. Just enough to keep me alive while pumping myself full of caffeine to keep me awake during classes.
I know, I set myself up for such a difficult year. Architecture school by itself gives you enough work to eat up all your time, even with the time I would gain if I wasn't Christian and I didn't attend HMCC.
I think I've asked myself this question over and over again: WHY THE HECK ARE YOU SO INVOLVED IN CHURCH STUFF, AND WHY ARE YOU SERVING ON BAND IF YOU'VE GOT THAT MUCH STUFF GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE? Most directly: IS YOUR FAITH WORTH WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH?
I'm really gonna have to swallow my pride and my selfishness before I say the answer to that. I'll hesitate and even drop a tear before dying to myself and replying, "Yes, it is worth all the trouble that I go through."
My emotions are running pretty wildly as I'm writing this blog post. I can't help it, it's just that hard to follow God; "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." (Matthew 16:24-25)
Recently I've started working on the mixer during worship at church. I'm terrible at it. Like architecture school, there's about a billion things you need to keep in your mind and process through at a blazing speed as you're working back there. Somewhere in the midst of all this, I still need to worship God. For the last couple of weeks, Joe's been watching and overseeing me as I worked on the mixer. Anything and everything that I don't do at the right timing, Joe points it out, yells at me, and fixes it himself. I've messed up so many times on the same things in the last couple of weeks that I really can't even focus on the worship anymore, for fear of messing up something. But something still goes wrong; like I said, I'm no good at working on the mixer... So what gives? If I focus too much on the worship, I might miss cues. If I focus too much on the mixer, I forget to worship God. How am I supposed to be able to do both?
I need to grow. As difficult as it is, I need to learn how to be able to do both well. I don't think I'll ever be perfect at working on the mixer, and I for sure won't be a perfect worshiper all the time. I still struggle with sin. I struggle with simple things like doing homework on time and getting rest when I need to.
But in the midst of all this trouble, somehow, I am able to sense God working in my life. I don't think it's a coincidence that I, someone who is so prideful and selfish, am working on the mixer. Unless I really die to my selfishness and my pride as I'm being yelled at left and right, I'm just going to get more and more bitter at God.
Do you see it? Through eyes of faith, I think God is trying to break me, my pride, my selfishness, through the mixer. He's molding and shaping me. He's building character within me so that I am able to receive criticism (I'm REALLY weak at that.. I'm such a people pleaser). He's building discipline, and endurance within me as I strive to stay awake through 2 services after a restless night. It's not about me. God is just trying to work in my life, and I need to let him shape me. Yes, it hurts a lot. I'm feeling sick from not getting nearly enough rest already. I still have 12 long weeks to go before this semester is over. But you know what?
It's worth it in the end.
Jesus Christ, who loves me dearly, is the one who is going to pull me through this semester, this year, and this life. He is faithful, even when I am not. My life is in his hands, and I need to trust him with it, no matter how bleak the situation may seem. Jesus was betrayed, abandoned, criticized, whipped, given a crown of thorns, spat at, beaten, misunderstood, and ultimately, crucified. He went through all this trouble for me. The question I ask myself now, I want to impose to you.
He loved you this much. Won't you give your life to him and love him back, regardless of the trouble you'll have in this world?
I think you know my answer. What's yours?
The time that I barely get to sleep and eat even poorly than I usually do.
Architecture school has begun. Studio projects are really picking up, and I'm getting tons of homework. So why is it that my first response to a packed weekend is worry and fear for what I can't be doing (homework) because I have 90 other things I have to take care of before I can begin cracking at the work ahead of me? (6 hour studio on friday, access, class night, michigan vs umass, meeting up with someone before the game, going shopping after the game, and trying to get some work done (but failing for the most part), spending something like 10 hours at church on sunday and passing out for an hour afterward...) I am finally scrambling to get to work on 3 projects that are due this week tonight. I probably won't sleep for the next 2 days, not much more than 3-4 hours a night, anyway. Just enough to keep me alive while pumping myself full of caffeine to keep me awake during classes.
I know, I set myself up for such a difficult year. Architecture school by itself gives you enough work to eat up all your time, even with the time I would gain if I wasn't Christian and I didn't attend HMCC.
I think I've asked myself this question over and over again: WHY THE HECK ARE YOU SO INVOLVED IN CHURCH STUFF, AND WHY ARE YOU SERVING ON BAND IF YOU'VE GOT THAT MUCH STUFF GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE? Most directly: IS YOUR FAITH WORTH WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH?
I'm really gonna have to swallow my pride and my selfishness before I say the answer to that. I'll hesitate and even drop a tear before dying to myself and replying, "Yes, it is worth all the trouble that I go through."
My emotions are running pretty wildly as I'm writing this blog post. I can't help it, it's just that hard to follow God; "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." (Matthew 16:24-25)
Recently I've started working on the mixer during worship at church. I'm terrible at it. Like architecture school, there's about a billion things you need to keep in your mind and process through at a blazing speed as you're working back there. Somewhere in the midst of all this, I still need to worship God. For the last couple of weeks, Joe's been watching and overseeing me as I worked on the mixer. Anything and everything that I don't do at the right timing, Joe points it out, yells at me, and fixes it himself. I've messed up so many times on the same things in the last couple of weeks that I really can't even focus on the worship anymore, for fear of messing up something. But something still goes wrong; like I said, I'm no good at working on the mixer... So what gives? If I focus too much on the worship, I might miss cues. If I focus too much on the mixer, I forget to worship God. How am I supposed to be able to do both?
I need to grow. As difficult as it is, I need to learn how to be able to do both well. I don't think I'll ever be perfect at working on the mixer, and I for sure won't be a perfect worshiper all the time. I still struggle with sin. I struggle with simple things like doing homework on time and getting rest when I need to.
But in the midst of all this trouble, somehow, I am able to sense God working in my life. I don't think it's a coincidence that I, someone who is so prideful and selfish, am working on the mixer. Unless I really die to my selfishness and my pride as I'm being yelled at left and right, I'm just going to get more and more bitter at God.
Do you see it? Through eyes of faith, I think God is trying to break me, my pride, my selfishness, through the mixer. He's molding and shaping me. He's building character within me so that I am able to receive criticism (I'm REALLY weak at that.. I'm such a people pleaser). He's building discipline, and endurance within me as I strive to stay awake through 2 services after a restless night. It's not about me. God is just trying to work in my life, and I need to let him shape me. Yes, it hurts a lot. I'm feeling sick from not getting nearly enough rest already. I still have 12 long weeks to go before this semester is over. But you know what?
It's worth it in the end.
Jesus Christ, who loves me dearly, is the one who is going to pull me through this semester, this year, and this life. He is faithful, even when I am not. My life is in his hands, and I need to trust him with it, no matter how bleak the situation may seem. Jesus was betrayed, abandoned, criticized, whipped, given a crown of thorns, spat at, beaten, misunderstood, and ultimately, crucified. He went through all this trouble for me. The question I ask myself now, I want to impose to you.
He loved you this much. Won't you give your life to him and love him back, regardless of the trouble you'll have in this world?
I think you know my answer. What's yours?
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