It's been a weird week.

Things have been okay for the most part, I'm sleeping quite a bit (though I do have to pull 4-5 hour nights here and there but still... much better than I expected) and doing okay. Architecture studio and other things are going okay for the most part, I'm still on top of it... So basically, life is pretty darn good and things are going well.

But I'm not feeling that much joy in my life.
I don't think I've felt joy, or happiness, or much positive emotion in my life in general.. I've always acknowledged my tiredness, weariness, and weakness but seldom do I really "experience" happiness. As a Christian, we are taught to be joyful and rejoice always. Paul is in prison as he writes the letter to the Philippians but he's so "REJOICE, REJOICE, ALWAYS REJOICE" like he's experiencing some kind of euphoria in prison.

I'm guessing that prison is much worse off than sitting in architecture studio all day (studio does, indeed, suck, from time to time) - then how is he able to be joyful in his circumstances? How is he able to declare "for me to live is Christ, and to die is gain"?

I think Paul knew what it meant to truly live in grace. He says "Christ died for our sins, amongst whom I am the worst" - from the vantage point of God, our sins are sins - I don't think there's a real way to measure how "bad" a sin is, regardless of how society views certain violations of ethics. Then how is he able to call himself "the worst sinner ever"?

I think it serves as a reminder for himself - that he was saved by grace alone. Because he knew how sinful he was, he was able to rejoice in the grace he received in God all the more. Imagine yourself having a craving for No Thai or for ice cream. The gratification you feel when you actually fulfill that need is euphoric. In the same way, Paul really realizes his need for a savior from his sins. At the same time, he knows how fortunate he is to have that which was most craved. Therefore, he no longer needs his life to be perfect; it already is! His deepest, innermost, profound need for a savior was fulfilled by God himself! If that's not a reason for celebrating and rejoicing, what is?

Unfortunately, many Christians often cringe at the moment life gets tough. We whine and complain that "if God is so good, why is __________ happening to me?" "Why can't God let me have an easy life?" It's almost as if we forget what we should be thankful for the moment we take our eyes off Jesus and put it on the issues of our lives. The more we focus on the troubles of this life, the more we say to ourselves "omg I still have to deal with this, that... gosh" We've taken our eyes off Jesus and made that thing more important than Jesus, because it's occupying our minds right now, isn't it?

I think that's why I have such a hard time being joyful and rejoicing in Christ's salvation. I don't look to Jesus enough in my life. I see the multitude of things that I have to take care of before I can be "at peace" with the world, and completely forget about the man who overcame the world, my Lord and Savior Jesus! What a sinful way of living. It's like a significant other expressed her love for me and I immediately look at another woman!

What can I do about my life being the way it is? What is my response? I for sure don't want to be gloomy, depressed, and weary all the time. I need to take my eyes off of the things I have to deal with, and fix my eyes on Jesus, and Jesus alone, through prayer, through reading of the word, and through the community around me. Please remind me that I've taken my eyes off Jesus if I seem depressed/sad, and I'll do the same for you.