Woes of Junior Year

It's that time of the year again.

The time that I barely get to sleep and eat even poorly than I usually do.

Architecture school has begun. Studio projects are really picking up, and I'm getting tons of homework. So why is it that my first response to a packed weekend is worry and fear for what I can't be doing (homework) because I have 90 other things I have to take care of before I can begin cracking at the work ahead of me? (6 hour studio on friday, access, class night, michigan vs umass, meeting up with someone before the game, going shopping after the game, and trying to get some work done (but failing for the most part), spending something like 10 hours at church on sunday and passing out for an hour afterward...) I am finally scrambling to get to work on 3 projects that are due this week tonight. I probably won't sleep for the next 2 days, not much more than 3-4 hours a night, anyway. Just enough to keep me alive while pumping myself full of caffeine to keep me awake during classes.

I know, I set myself up for such a difficult year. Architecture school by itself gives you enough work to eat up all your time, even with the time I would gain if I wasn't Christian and I didn't attend HMCC.

I think I've asked myself this question over and over again: WHY THE HECK ARE YOU SO INVOLVED IN CHURCH STUFF, AND WHY ARE YOU SERVING ON BAND IF YOU'VE GOT THAT MUCH STUFF GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE? Most directly: IS YOUR FAITH WORTH WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH?

I'm really gonna have to swallow my pride and my selfishness before I say the answer to that. I'll hesitate and even drop a tear before dying to myself and replying, "Yes, it is worth all the trouble that I go through."

My emotions are running pretty wildly as I'm writing this blog post. I can't help it, it's just that hard to follow God; "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." (Matthew 16:24-25)

Recently I've started working on the mixer during worship at church. I'm terrible at it. Like architecture school, there's about a billion things you need to keep in your mind and process through at a blazing speed as you're working back there. Somewhere in the midst of all this, I still need to worship God. For the last couple of weeks, Joe's been watching and overseeing me as I worked on the mixer. Anything and everything that I don't do at the right timing, Joe points it out, yells at me, and fixes it himself. I've messed up so many times on the same things in the last couple of weeks that I really can't even focus on the worship anymore, for fear of messing up something. But something still goes wrong; like I said, I'm no good at working on the mixer... So what gives? If I focus too much on the worship, I might miss cues. If I focus too much on the mixer, I forget to worship God. How am I supposed to be able to do both?

I need to grow. As difficult as it is, I need to learn how to be able to do both well. I don't think I'll ever be perfect at working on the mixer, and I for sure won't be a perfect worshiper all the time. I still struggle with sin. I struggle with simple things like doing homework on time and getting rest when I need to.

But in the midst of all this trouble, somehow, I am able to sense God working in my life. I don't think it's a coincidence that I, someone who is so prideful and selfish, am working on the mixer. Unless I really die to my selfishness and my pride as I'm being yelled at left and right, I'm just going to get more and more bitter at God.

Do you see it? Through eyes of faith, I think God is trying to break me, my pride, my selfishness, through the mixer. He's molding and shaping me. He's building character within me so that I am able to receive criticism (I'm REALLY weak at that.. I'm such a people pleaser). He's building discipline, and endurance within me as I strive to stay awake through 2 services after a restless night. It's not about me. God is just trying to work in my life, and I need to let him shape me. Yes, it hurts a lot. I'm feeling sick from not getting nearly enough rest already. I still have 12 long weeks to go before this semester is over. But you know what?

It's worth it in the end.

Jesus Christ, who loves me dearly, is the one who is going to pull me through this semester, this year, and this life. He is faithful, even when I am not. My life is in his hands, and I need to trust him with it, no matter how bleak the situation may seem. Jesus was betrayed, abandoned, criticized, whipped, given a crown of thorns, spat at, beaten, misunderstood, and ultimately, crucified. He went through all this trouble for me. The question I ask myself now, I want to impose to you.

He loved you this much. Won't you give your life to him and love him back, regardless of the trouble you'll have in this world?

I think you know my answer. What's yours?