I'm blogging quite often lately..

It's weird, I don't really have that many thoughts going through my mind right now, as I usually do. So I guess I'll just talk about what's happening in my life, heh.

Some of the major things:
1) I'm thinking about doing architecture, going to tackle pre-arch classes next semester.
2) I'm looking for a vision statement, or a guiding principle that will capture my attention for my entire life. I really want to take like a week and pray and fast about it, but I'm not sure where that's going to lead me... esp. with my weak body.. sigh

Some of the less important things:
1) I wanna be more fit than I am. I'm SO lazy, physically, mentally, spiritually. I'm gonna try being more physically active, even if my atheticism isn't exactly the best... Hopefully that'll get my guyness going and get me somewhere more healthy in all three aspects.

2) I'm feeling kinda lonely lately. Like I don't have any friends lonely. Usually I don't mind being by myself, but I have these moments where I hate not having anybody around, and just.. not being a friendly person in general. Then again, I'm just an inconfident, socially awkward/inept, little introvert that really doesn't have much to give aside from being genuine and easy to read and manipulate. My self-image is so weak, it pains me to admit to all those things. I really.. need to move on from there.

We'll see where the lovely 20's lead me.

More sleepless nights

Lately I've been having the weirdest sleeping pattern.

I blame finals. I blame the extreme amount of stress that was handed to me as I was going through the last two weeks of my life. I want to venture to say that no introvert would ever be able to break down the amount of stress I experienced in the last couple of days.

So I sit here, my eyes red form a whole night of not sleeping. It's 9am, and I'm still not sleepy. It's not that I'm not tired, it's not that I don't want to sleep, it's the intensity that I experienced in the last 2-3 weeks of my life. I feel like I've been dragged around, pushed and pulled in every direction until it finally ended at 6pm last night, with the conclusion of my Stats exam.

But there's a deeper issue here, one that I want to say that I've been praying for (though it's hard to say, I don't have the gift of interpreting tongues even when I pray in tongue...). I don't know what it is, but I'll be searching for an answer to a question that I don't know, hopefully in the near future - without being too lazy about it.

But for now, I just want to take a break. I just want to be relieved of this place. I want to go home, even though I don't really feel like I have one. But I'll seek refuge in the small little tee-pee of a house that I've built in a place called New Jersey, perhaps to take a little break for a little while. We'll see where things go from there...

Can't sleep.

Even though I was sick about 8 hours ago, I'm quite awake now. A monster + a michigan mocha is doing wonders... OH wait, I have an exam in like 6 hours, I should be sleeping... Alas, I can't, because the caffeine is completely blocking my sleepy receptors, making me unable to fall asleep right now... So here I am, picking up where I left off in terms of blogging.

It's been a long time since I last blogged.

Much has changed since then. I actually don't even remember the last time I blogged.

Right now, I'm feeling a little bit further away from where I started this semester. Am I feeling this way because I haven't been doing my QTs lately? Probably. Have I not really been praying lately? Yes. But I'm more inclined to feel that I.. just don't care right now. Dry period? Maybe. I think... it may be that I'm just too tired of caring. If I start caring for one thing, I have to care for everything else too, and then I'll be hassled with too many things to care about, and I won't be able to have my life my way.. which kinda sucks because I am such a self-absorbed person.

But it's not that I don't wanna care, not that I don't want to change. It's just.. I want it my way, not God's way. Yeah, I KNOW he's got the right way in mind, and he knows what he's doing but... I just.. don't wanna let go, you know? I'm being stupid. yeah. I know, I'm being stupid and stubborn with my stupidity. I go back for the vomit like that dog in James. But it's... too hard to care about anything and everything! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IF I CAN'T HANDLE IT ALL?

It's weird, I just don't have any direction or purpose in anything that I am doing lately. When I prayed a little bit during access last weekend, God told me to pray for a future vision. But... I don't really wanna grow up yet... I don't care if I'm 20 now. I just don't... wanna be an adult... I'm scared that it'll always be work work work, like I've seen my parents live their lives. And if my life is one that's just going to be defined by "work", then.. I don't wanna grow up..

Where am I going to go from here? I don't know.. I'm just.. not ready for this.. I want to stay young without any worries for the future! I'm really just a shell of a being. I have no substance; i just live life, and let it go where it wants me to, and I just let it do what it does until I can't stand it anymore and I need to do something about it. But that's it. I won't do more than what I NEED to do, because.. I'm too lazy to work towards anything right now... I don't feel like I need to get anywhere. For what? WHat's the point? Why toil hard under the sun without any fruit to yield at the end of it?

I hate working. I hate working hard. I get sick when I get serious about life. I get tired of failing again and again despite my best efforts when I need to be doing stuff.

Geez, I'm complaining. I hate myself right now, because I hate people that complain. I thought I grew up from that high school mentality. I thought I changed, at least a little bit. I guess not... SIgh.. 6 hours left until the musicology exam, and I'm still not sleepy. Sigh.