Even though I was sick about 8 hours ago, I'm quite awake now. A monster + a michigan mocha is doing wonders... OH wait, I have an exam in like 6 hours, I should be sleeping... Alas, I can't, because the caffeine is completely blocking my sleepy receptors, making me unable to fall asleep right now... So here I am, picking up where I left off in terms of blogging.
Much has changed since then. I actually don't even remember the last time I blogged.
Right now, I'm feeling a little bit further away from where I started this semester. Am I feeling this way because I haven't been doing my QTs lately? Probably. Have I not really been praying lately? Yes. But I'm more inclined to feel that I.. just don't care right now. Dry period? Maybe. I think... it may be that I'm just too tired of caring. If I start caring for one thing, I have to care for everything else too, and then I'll be hassled with too many things to care about, and I won't be able to have my life my way.. which kinda sucks because I am such a self-absorbed person.
But it's not that I don't wanna care, not that I don't want to change. It's just.. I want it my way, not God's way. Yeah, I KNOW he's got the right way in mind, and he knows what he's doing but... I just.. don't wanna let go, you know? I'm being stupid. yeah. I know, I'm being stupid and stubborn with my stupidity. I go back for the vomit like that dog in James. But it's... too hard to care about anything and everything! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IF I CAN'T HANDLE IT ALL?
It's weird, I just don't have any direction or purpose in anything that I am doing lately. When I prayed a little bit during access last weekend, God told me to pray for a future vision. But... I don't really wanna grow up yet... I don't care if I'm 20 now. I just don't... wanna be an adult... I'm scared that it'll always be work work work, like I've seen my parents live their lives. And if my life is one that's just going to be defined by "work", then.. I don't wanna grow up..
Where am I going to go from here? I don't know.. I'm just.. not ready for this.. I want to stay young without any worries for the future! I'm really just a shell of a being. I have no substance; i just live life, and let it go where it wants me to, and I just let it do what it does until I can't stand it anymore and I need to do something about it. But that's it. I won't do more than what I NEED to do, because.. I'm too lazy to work towards anything right now... I don't feel like I need to get anywhere. For what? WHat's the point? Why toil hard under the sun without any fruit to yield at the end of it?
I hate working. I hate working hard. I get sick when I get serious about life. I get tired of failing again and again despite my best efforts when I need to be doing stuff.
Geez, I'm complaining. I hate myself right now, because I hate people that complain. I thought I grew up from that high school mentality. I thought I changed, at least a little bit. I guess not... SIgh.. 6 hours left until the musicology exam, and I'm still not sleepy. Sigh.
No comments:
Post a Comment