Overwhelmed?

Being a pre-architecture student doesn't exactly let you go for more than one day of being unproductive - the fast pace of the studio classes makes sure that any slacking results in the project being less developed and well, not as good as others.

This week has been a particularly tough week for me.. I thought I had finished my portfolio over the weekend, but I ended up staying up till 6am on monday night to finish it all up, and I was basically out of commission until this morning when I caught up in my sleep. What disturbs me is how I feel like I'm getting punished for taking even the slightest bit of a break, whether with a less complete work or less developed work. But I'm just complaining now. Just gotta suck it up and keep going...

The last couple of weeks of school have been, well, pretty darn rough. Call it sophomore year, the S-word, whatever. But how long must I wrestle within me, waging war against the areas of sin that God is revealing to me at a rate and intensity that he's never done before? I feel like I'm getting punished and disciplined for anything and everything.. And I'm realizing that I'm not as strong in my spiritual life as I thought. I sin, and I sin a lot. I really suck at this relationship thing with God. I feel like Hosea's wife who keeps on going out into the streets and sleep around with others and comes back pregnant, or that dog who comes back to his vomit.

I understand that God is trying to build in me a new perspective, and slowly answering my prayer to see the world through his eyes, but.. I didn't think it'd be so.. stressful, straining, and painful to be going through this time period. After speaking to people about my current situation, I'm realizing.. that there really isn't much that I can do at this point, but let Him work in me as He pleases... Which is pretty darn difficult because I hate the insecurity of not being in control of my situation, and I'm often too prideful to give up or let go of a losing situation..

I think I'm getting just a taste of what human depravity is supposed to feel like - I realizing that I'm just a worthless human being who sins all the time. But God sees me differently. Yes, I'm messed up enough to be eternally condemned to hell, but I am also loved enough to have the son of God abandon the comfort of heaven and die for me. What a God we have!