Tuesday was the final day of class, and the day of my one and only exam for this semester. I think reading through my Gchat status updates through this semester gives you a good idea (given the 4hours/day sleeping schedule I had to endure for ~16 weeks) and even makes me sound depressed. But you know what? I think I prefer to be in that zone where I am constantly on the run, having to completely dependent on God to carry me through the endless hours spent working on projects, through life group, through ACCESS/Sunday Celebration (with the occasional prayer gathering), through work, through meeting up with people, because if I did otherwise, I'd either implode like or explode like
You get the picture.
I view myself as a pretty responsible person. I try to achieve the maximum efficiency in everything, planning out my days down to the minute and sticking through with it, with a neverending checklist of things to do, accompanied by a ever-adapting logic map in my head. As such, I am freaking awesome at getting things done. I pride myself in the fact that not many people can handle as many things as I do. But this "ability" of mine comes with a fatal flaw; when I don't have a bazillion things to do, my mental map becomes hazy and I simply.don't.know.what.to.do.with.my.time.
Most of that time was spent playing starcraft for today, because I simply had nothing better to do (and well, I was too lazy to apply for jobs because I got an interview for next monday morning and so... I just played starcraft all day... haha)
(It's the Best game EVER)But tomorrow's going to be more productive, because I have a bazillion things to do. I even have most of it planned out!
11:15AM Get up, prepare to meet with Peter (Note to self: bring food for LG potluck)
11:30AM Leave Squad
11:45AM Arrive at Mojo, pick up fruits for Wemedy Blessing
12:00AM Meeting with Peter at @ Victor's, LCG time.
1:00PM Finish up meeting with Peter, head to Joe Cho's place
1:00PM - 3:30 (possibly 4:00) LG Potluck
4:00PM LG Potluck over, head home to pick up rest of food for Wemedy Blessing
4-6PM (?????)
6:00PM - Head to Carriage with Wemedy Blessing food, make food
7:30PM - Bring food over to Angell Auds with other people
8-10PM - Wemedy Blessing
10PM-???? (?????)
What irks about this is... the ?????'s in that schedule. I absolutely HATE downtime. That usually means I have to talk with people. That usually means I'll be more tired because I'm an introvert. "*Buzz* don't want to do that... so find something else to do by yourself somewhere..."
If the time and place allows for it, that ????? slot sometimes is filled with practicing singing. But in most cases, it's just time wasted (in my opinion, anyway, because I am not "doing" anything).
(Google Buzz does take away quite a bit of that downtime, heh)
I went into summer thinking "OKAY I FINALLY GET TO RELAX FOR A BIT AFTER A RIDICULOUS SEMESTER! YAYYYYYYYYY". And then "okay, I'll go to morning prayer, starting tomorrow, and then go running/work out, and begin my days that way!" The first has firmly been placed into my heart, and the second has yet to come. Perhaps it won't come until I'm forced to do so when CSMP discipleship rolls around...
(Maybe then I'll be in shape to be able to jump through walls and shout "OH YEAH" like this guy)
I think this is the beginning point of what I see wrong within me... When I'm not given much to do, I am TERRIBLE at using my time wisely... when I have a lot available to me. What I see in myself.. is a distinct lack of vision, the lack of a passion, the lack of a goal that compells me to work harder and keep going through the ups and downs, through the times of hellish amounts of work and complete downtimes when nothing much is happening...
It is times like these that makes me wonder.. If I am a reflection of God and God plans out everything in eternity like this, what does he do with the ?????'s? What's more mysterious, if a "day is like a thousand years and a thousand years are like a day to Him" then what would be the significance of that downtime to God? Food for thought, another unsolvable mystery, like how the Trinity can be one and three separate being at once (though professor Biggeby did a good job of suggesting a possible model of solution.)
Returning back to the original reason why I started writing this Blog... (part of which was to write down all the random thoughts running through my head) The unstructuredness in my life right now has led to the pitiful state of my spiritual life right now. I've been through my hardest semester and God pulled me through it, but I forgot about right after it was over. I feel like an idiot right now. I don't think I've changed at all from 2 years ago when I came onto this campus. If anything, I've become even more ignorant of others and more self-focused and self-sufficient, and I can't use my introvertedness as an excuse here for that.. I struggle with the same sins I struggled from years ago, I return to lick my vomit once more even after tasting the Truth in my life.
God, I need to be humbled. Please break my heart, cleanse me from my sins, and build me back up the way you want me to be. I know that it takes way longer than I could imagine, even possibly never achieving it fully, but God, I want to rest my hope in you and nothing else... Please help me.
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