When things slow down

After the rush that was last week, this week is off to a bit of a slower start. Maybe it's because I work on my architecture projects relatively quickly, but for some reason I'm enjoying the slowed pace of projects/readings/projects/portfolios much more so than last semester when I basically died.

I have a love/hate relationship with this slower pace of things. The slower pace actually lets me THINK about what I'm doing instead of "just getting it done." But when I start thinking, I start worrying. Having committed my life to following Christ, where is he taking me? Should I be doing X and Y at this point? Am I not doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Have I lost all sense of ambition because I submitted my life to Christ? Do I dislike myself and the endless list of things I fall short on?

Am I who I am because I am Christian?

When things go wrong, I often blame myself, but never take responsibility for my shortcomings. Instead, I see my incompetence and wallow in self-pity.

Even though there aren't as many things going on in my life right now, the last couple of weeks have been a month of being extremely challenged in my faith. The cost of following Christ has never felt so.. weighty before, and I'm shaken because I don't know whether it really is worth it all anymore.

Am I falling away? Maybe. Have I already fallen away in the depths of my "self"?

Out of the ashes I will rise, once again to take flight into the skies.

Beauty for Ashes
Garment of praise, for my heaviness.
Beauty for Ashes
Take this heart of stone, and make it yours - yours.

To a weaker me.

One thing that I struggle with the most is pride. I straight up hate looking weak in front of people. I like to be the level-headed guy who stays cool under pressure and doesn't let things get to him. Time and time again, God tests me to see if my heart is right with him. He brings way more things my way than what I could bite, and even with my best effort at managing my time and pushing through the difficulties, I end up crashing and burning everywhere.

God's making clear to me that this year's gonna be heck of a difficult year for me. But he's gonna prove to me once and for all that I can't do anything without him. It's just gonna take me some time to learn that. Hopefully it won't be too long before I am ready to humble myself before God each and every day.

It's been a weird week.

Things have been okay for the most part, I'm sleeping quite a bit (though I do have to pull 4-5 hour nights here and there but still... much better than I expected) and doing okay. Architecture studio and other things are going okay for the most part, I'm still on top of it... So basically, life is pretty darn good and things are going well.

But I'm not feeling that much joy in my life.
I don't think I've felt joy, or happiness, or much positive emotion in my life in general.. I've always acknowledged my tiredness, weariness, and weakness but seldom do I really "experience" happiness. As a Christian, we are taught to be joyful and rejoice always. Paul is in prison as he writes the letter to the Philippians but he's so "REJOICE, REJOICE, ALWAYS REJOICE" like he's experiencing some kind of euphoria in prison.

I'm guessing that prison is much worse off than sitting in architecture studio all day (studio does, indeed, suck, from time to time) - then how is he able to be joyful in his circumstances? How is he able to declare "for me to live is Christ, and to die is gain"?

I think Paul knew what it meant to truly live in grace. He says "Christ died for our sins, amongst whom I am the worst" - from the vantage point of God, our sins are sins - I don't think there's a real way to measure how "bad" a sin is, regardless of how society views certain violations of ethics. Then how is he able to call himself "the worst sinner ever"?

I think it serves as a reminder for himself - that he was saved by grace alone. Because he knew how sinful he was, he was able to rejoice in the grace he received in God all the more. Imagine yourself having a craving for No Thai or for ice cream. The gratification you feel when you actually fulfill that need is euphoric. In the same way, Paul really realizes his need for a savior from his sins. At the same time, he knows how fortunate he is to have that which was most craved. Therefore, he no longer needs his life to be perfect; it already is! His deepest, innermost, profound need for a savior was fulfilled by God himself! If that's not a reason for celebrating and rejoicing, what is?

Unfortunately, many Christians often cringe at the moment life gets tough. We whine and complain that "if God is so good, why is __________ happening to me?" "Why can't God let me have an easy life?" It's almost as if we forget what we should be thankful for the moment we take our eyes off Jesus and put it on the issues of our lives. The more we focus on the troubles of this life, the more we say to ourselves "omg I still have to deal with this, that... gosh" We've taken our eyes off Jesus and made that thing more important than Jesus, because it's occupying our minds right now, isn't it?

I think that's why I have such a hard time being joyful and rejoicing in Christ's salvation. I don't look to Jesus enough in my life. I see the multitude of things that I have to take care of before I can be "at peace" with the world, and completely forget about the man who overcame the world, my Lord and Savior Jesus! What a sinful way of living. It's like a significant other expressed her love for me and I immediately look at another woman!

What can I do about my life being the way it is? What is my response? I for sure don't want to be gloomy, depressed, and weary all the time. I need to take my eyes off of the things I have to deal with, and fix my eyes on Jesus, and Jesus alone, through prayer, through reading of the word, and through the community around me. Please remind me that I've taken my eyes off Jesus if I seem depressed/sad, and I'll do the same for you.

Woes of Junior Year

It's that time of the year again.

The time that I barely get to sleep and eat even poorly than I usually do.

Architecture school has begun. Studio projects are really picking up, and I'm getting tons of homework. So why is it that my first response to a packed weekend is worry and fear for what I can't be doing (homework) because I have 90 other things I have to take care of before I can begin cracking at the work ahead of me? (6 hour studio on friday, access, class night, michigan vs umass, meeting up with someone before the game, going shopping after the game, and trying to get some work done (but failing for the most part), spending something like 10 hours at church on sunday and passing out for an hour afterward...) I am finally scrambling to get to work on 3 projects that are due this week tonight. I probably won't sleep for the next 2 days, not much more than 3-4 hours a night, anyway. Just enough to keep me alive while pumping myself full of caffeine to keep me awake during classes.

I know, I set myself up for such a difficult year. Architecture school by itself gives you enough work to eat up all your time, even with the time I would gain if I wasn't Christian and I didn't attend HMCC.

I think I've asked myself this question over and over again: WHY THE HECK ARE YOU SO INVOLVED IN CHURCH STUFF, AND WHY ARE YOU SERVING ON BAND IF YOU'VE GOT THAT MUCH STUFF GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE? Most directly: IS YOUR FAITH WORTH WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH?

I'm really gonna have to swallow my pride and my selfishness before I say the answer to that. I'll hesitate and even drop a tear before dying to myself and replying, "Yes, it is worth all the trouble that I go through."

My emotions are running pretty wildly as I'm writing this blog post. I can't help it, it's just that hard to follow God; "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." (Matthew 16:24-25)

Recently I've started working on the mixer during worship at church. I'm terrible at it. Like architecture school, there's about a billion things you need to keep in your mind and process through at a blazing speed as you're working back there. Somewhere in the midst of all this, I still need to worship God. For the last couple of weeks, Joe's been watching and overseeing me as I worked on the mixer. Anything and everything that I don't do at the right timing, Joe points it out, yells at me, and fixes it himself. I've messed up so many times on the same things in the last couple of weeks that I really can't even focus on the worship anymore, for fear of messing up something. But something still goes wrong; like I said, I'm no good at working on the mixer... So what gives? If I focus too much on the worship, I might miss cues. If I focus too much on the mixer, I forget to worship God. How am I supposed to be able to do both?

I need to grow. As difficult as it is, I need to learn how to be able to do both well. I don't think I'll ever be perfect at working on the mixer, and I for sure won't be a perfect worshiper all the time. I still struggle with sin. I struggle with simple things like doing homework on time and getting rest when I need to.

But in the midst of all this trouble, somehow, I am able to sense God working in my life. I don't think it's a coincidence that I, someone who is so prideful and selfish, am working on the mixer. Unless I really die to my selfishness and my pride as I'm being yelled at left and right, I'm just going to get more and more bitter at God.

Do you see it? Through eyes of faith, I think God is trying to break me, my pride, my selfishness, through the mixer. He's molding and shaping me. He's building character within me so that I am able to receive criticism (I'm REALLY weak at that.. I'm such a people pleaser). He's building discipline, and endurance within me as I strive to stay awake through 2 services after a restless night. It's not about me. God is just trying to work in my life, and I need to let him shape me. Yes, it hurts a lot. I'm feeling sick from not getting nearly enough rest already. I still have 12 long weeks to go before this semester is over. But you know what?

It's worth it in the end.

Jesus Christ, who loves me dearly, is the one who is going to pull me through this semester, this year, and this life. He is faithful, even when I am not. My life is in his hands, and I need to trust him with it, no matter how bleak the situation may seem. Jesus was betrayed, abandoned, criticized, whipped, given a crown of thorns, spat at, beaten, misunderstood, and ultimately, crucified. He went through all this trouble for me. The question I ask myself now, I want to impose to you.

He loved you this much. Won't you give your life to him and love him back, regardless of the trouble you'll have in this world?

I think you know my answer. What's yours?

Sickness

I've been feeling pretty sick since I was in Jersey this past weekend, possibly from living in the smoke infested apartment of my brother's... I am feeling quite sore all over my body, pain in my stomach, nauseated if I move too much. Today I was awoken to the pleasure of excruciating pain on both my shoulders which effectively removed my ability to do anything for spurts of 5-10 seconds throughout the day.

Maybe it was because I was unable to "do" anything for most of the day, but I began to wonder what it's like for God to look into our hearts.

You know, the sin-tainted, wounded, bruised hearts we carry around every day.

I'm not God, but I would imagine his heart would break every day knowing full well that all 7 billion on earth are struggling with this problem of sin, and that it's perpetuating into pain and suffering in our lives.

So our hearts end up looking a pulp of beaten up, ragged, disfigured garbage for the lack of a better word, from the time...

When your family broke apart in two...
When you suffered abuse at the hand of another person...
When you were rejected by your so-called friends...
When your family members never expressed love to you...
When you felt abandoned by a friend or a significant other...
When you failed to live up to your expectations...
When you ________________________________...

I think the craziest thing, though, is how God took his whole, pure, full, and holy heart, and offered it to ALL of us through Jesus. Jesus took our soiled, rotten-to-the-core hearts, and offers his untainted heart. I think that's crazy. Why would you do such a thing to whom you don't owe anything, to someone who doesn't want it, to someone who hates you, to someone who could care less about it?

It's so foolish -

No.

It's crazy love.

And we're living it every day.

**Please spare me the theological debate... I am fully conscious and aware that I am not making much sense due to my aforementioned sickness. I haven't quite come to a conclusion on another topic I wanted to write about, but it ended up going in a totally different direction (one which wasn't completely thought out, as you can tell from what I've written... heh)

"Summer" is hitting me hard.

While I am proud to say that I achieved a C- rank on the Iccup server of starcraft through mass gaming today (I think played like 10+ hours today.. even beat some korean gosus), I'm not really proud of how quickly I lost my flame for God.

Tuesday was the final day of class, and the day of my one and only exam for this semester. I think reading through my Gchat status updates through this semester gives you a good idea (given the 4hours/day sleeping schedule I had to endure for ~16 weeks) and even makes me sound depressed. But you know what? I think I prefer to be in that zone where I am constantly on the run, having to completely dependent on God to carry me through the endless hours spent working on projects, through life group, through ACCESS/Sunday Celebration (with the occasional prayer gathering), through work, through meeting up with people, because if I did otherwise, I'd either implode like or explode like

You get the picture.

I view myself as a pretty responsible person. I try to achieve the maximum efficiency in everything, planning out my days down to the minute and sticking through with it, with a neverending checklist of things to do, accompanied by a ever-adapting logic map in my head. As such, I am freaking awesome at getting things done. I pride myself in the fact that not many people can handle as many things as I do. But this "ability" of mine comes with a fatal flaw; when I don't have a bazillion things to do, my mental map becomes hazy and I simply.don't.know.what.to.do.with.my.time.



Most of that time was spent playing starcraft for today, because I simply had nothing better to do (and well, I was too lazy to apply for jobs because I got an interview for next monday morning and so... I just played starcraft all day... haha)

(It's the Best game EVER)

But tomorrow's going to be more productive, because I have a bazillion things to do. I even have most of it planned out!

11:15AM Get up, prepare to meet with Peter (Note to self: bring food for LG potluck)
11:30AM Leave Squad
11:45AM Arrive at Mojo, pick up fruits for Wemedy Blessing
12:00AM Meeting with Peter at @ Victor's, LCG time.
1:00PM Finish up meeting with Peter, head to Joe Cho's place
1:00PM - 3:30 (possibly 4:00) LG Potluck
4:00PM LG Potluck over, head home to pick up rest of food for Wemedy Blessing
4-6PM (?????)
6:00PM - Head to Carriage with Wemedy Blessing food, make food
7:30PM - Bring food over to Angell Auds with other people
8-10PM - Wemedy Blessing
10PM-???? (?????)

What irks about this is... the ?????'s in that schedule. I absolutely HATE downtime. That usually means I have to talk with people. That usually means I'll be more tired because I'm an introvert. "*Buzz* don't want to do that... so find something else to do by yourself somewhere..."

If the time and place allows for it, that ????? slot sometimes is filled with practicing singing. But in most cases, it's just time wasted (in my opinion, anyway, because I am not "doing" anything).


(Google Buzz does take away quite a bit of that downtime, heh)


I went into summer thinking "OKAY I FINALLY GET TO RELAX FOR A BIT AFTER A RIDICULOUS SEMESTER! YAYYYYYYYYY". And then "okay, I'll go to morning prayer, starting tomorrow, and then go running/work out, and begin my days that way!" The first has firmly been placed into my heart, and the second has yet to come. Perhaps it won't come until I'm forced to do so when CSMP discipleship rolls around...


(Maybe then I'll be in shape to be able to jump through walls and shout "OH YEAH" like this guy)

I think this is the beginning point of what I see wrong within me... When I'm not given much to do, I am TERRIBLE at using my time wisely... when I have a lot available to me. What I see in myself.. is a distinct lack of vision, the lack of a passion, the lack of a goal that compells me to work harder and keep going through the ups and downs, through the times of hellish amounts of work and complete downtimes when nothing much is happening...

It is times like these that makes me wonder.. If I am a reflection of God and God plans out everything in eternity like this, what does he do with the ?????'s? What's more mysterious, if a "day is like a thousand years and a thousand years are like a day to Him" then what would be the significance of that downtime to God? Food for thought, another unsolvable mystery, like how the Trinity can be one and three separate being at once (though professor Biggeby did a good job of suggesting a possible model of solution.)

Returning back to the original reason why I started writing this Blog... (part of which was to write down all the random thoughts running through my head) The unstructuredness in my life right now has led to the pitiful state of my spiritual life right now. I've been through my hardest semester and God pulled me through it, but I forgot about right after it was over. I feel like an idiot right now. I don't think I've changed at all from 2 years ago when I came onto this campus. If anything, I've become even more ignorant of others and more self-focused and self-sufficient, and I can't use my introvertedness as an excuse here for that.. I struggle with the same sins I struggled from years ago, I return to lick my vomit once more even after tasting the Truth in my life.

God, I need to be humbled. Please break my heart, cleanse me from my sins, and build me back up the way you want me to be. I know that it takes way longer than I could imagine, even possibly never achieving it fully, but God, I want to rest my hope in you and nothing else... Please help me.

Overwhelmed?

Being a pre-architecture student doesn't exactly let you go for more than one day of being unproductive - the fast pace of the studio classes makes sure that any slacking results in the project being less developed and well, not as good as others.

This week has been a particularly tough week for me.. I thought I had finished my portfolio over the weekend, but I ended up staying up till 6am on monday night to finish it all up, and I was basically out of commission until this morning when I caught up in my sleep. What disturbs me is how I feel like I'm getting punished for taking even the slightest bit of a break, whether with a less complete work or less developed work. But I'm just complaining now. Just gotta suck it up and keep going...

The last couple of weeks of school have been, well, pretty darn rough. Call it sophomore year, the S-word, whatever. But how long must I wrestle within me, waging war against the areas of sin that God is revealing to me at a rate and intensity that he's never done before? I feel like I'm getting punished and disciplined for anything and everything.. And I'm realizing that I'm not as strong in my spiritual life as I thought. I sin, and I sin a lot. I really suck at this relationship thing with God. I feel like Hosea's wife who keeps on going out into the streets and sleep around with others and comes back pregnant, or that dog who comes back to his vomit.

I understand that God is trying to build in me a new perspective, and slowly answering my prayer to see the world through his eyes, but.. I didn't think it'd be so.. stressful, straining, and painful to be going through this time period. After speaking to people about my current situation, I'm realizing.. that there really isn't much that I can do at this point, but let Him work in me as He pleases... Which is pretty darn difficult because I hate the insecurity of not being in control of my situation, and I'm often too prideful to give up or let go of a losing situation..

I think I'm getting just a taste of what human depravity is supposed to feel like - I realizing that I'm just a worthless human being who sins all the time. But God sees me differently. Yes, I'm messed up enough to be eternally condemned to hell, but I am also loved enough to have the son of God abandon the comfort of heaven and die for me. What a God we have!